Ben's Asia Adventure

Ben's Asia Adventure - Epilogue

2007-06-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've just realised the one single change in my life that the trip has brought about. I now have FIVE pairs of shoes! That's well over half as many as I have previously had at any one time!

So...not a wasted trip then.

Ben's Asia Adventure - The Last Chapter.

2007-06-10T05:21:00.000-07:00

Here I am on Sunday the 10th, the day before I come back to Brighton and reality is due to come crashing down on me like a ton of bad tempered bricks. I may continue to keep a blog but as my trip is long done I thought I would bring Ben's Asia Adventure to a close and start afresh with another blog some other time, should I feel the inclination.

Well, it's been fun but now it's all over and back to reality.
Back to the reality of getting up on cold dark mornings to go to crap, badly paid jobs to work with people I don't much like.
Back to the reality of absurdly over-priced dank accommodation, council tax bills and Reality T.V.
Back to chavs vomiting in the streets, litter and surly shopkeepers.
Back to trudging through life on a polluted, war-torn planet that's rapidly consuming all it's resources and spiralling inexorably towards it's own destruction.

Just to end on an upbeat note.

I guess the question must be asked, have I learned anything on my travels?
Has the time away and a different perspective helped me realise anything fundamental?

Well, I would say that I have come away from the whole experience with three cast-iron, undeniable truths.

1.Daniel Craig was very very good in Casino Royale.

2.I really hate dogs and chickens.

3.Yes Virginia by the Dresden Dolls is the best album ever.

"And even as the skin rips off
I cherish the revolting thought
That even if I quit...
There's not a chance in hell I'd stop!"

Wise words for us all there.
Oh hang on, that's from a song on their first album, not Yes Virginia.

Oh fuck it.

Achieving Nirvana in Cornwall.

2007-06-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

I was walking over the North Cliffs from Portreath to Tehidy Woods on a cloudy day sometime last week when the wind picked up and started to blow the clouds across the sky. As this happened the sun began to shine through and rays of golden light beamed forth making a play of ephemeral beauty across the shimmering surface of the sea. I sat down and watched the spreading display and started to get the sneaking dark suspicion that maybe there was meaning to life. Like an organic connection between all living things, a higher power, God, Yahweh, whatever. As the last of the clouds disappeared and the sun blazed forth in all it's miraculous magnificence the synapses in my brain exploded with the force of a thousand super novas, time stood still, I heard the seagulls call my name and my spirit was taken out of my body and transported to a higher realm of pure enlightenment and joy. I felt the presence of God, the mysteries, secrets and meaning of the universe were revealed to me and I realised as though I was shot in the third eye by a holy diamond bullet what my purpose on this Earth and what the point of mine and everyone else's existence was.

Unfortunately I had a pasty and a bottle of wine with me. I was a little peckish after all this spiritual enlightenment, tucked in and by the time I'd finished I'm afraid I'd kind of forgotten the gist of it.
I think it had something to do with taking regular exercise and only cooking with olive oil but I cant be sure.
It's a shame really. I think it could have benefited us all.
Sorry.

This is me...

2007-06-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

...going away down to Lamorna. Rachel is now singing the song to herself I bet.

On an unrelated note the books I have read whilst in Cornwall are as follows -

Hannibal Rising - Thomas Harris (okay but pretty insubstantial)

Speak For England - James Hawes (very funny)

44 Scotland Street - Alexander Mcall Smith (okay but too insubstantial to dignify with the description "insubstantial")

Stalingrad - Anthony Beevor (very good, gives you frostbite just by reading it)

Skinny B, Skaz and Me - John Singleton (pretty good)

Viking, Odin's Child - Tim Severin (pretty crap, with moments. I didn't know Vikings had a sophisticated legal system).

Films I have seen are -

Stage Beauty (okay, has Claire Danes in it...yum)

Vanity Fair (okay, though I was drunk and cant remember most of it)

Spy Game (surprisingly good for a Tony Scott film if you can put up with Robert Redford and Brad Pitt gazing adoringly at each other)

Collateral (very good, inventively filmed, Tom Cruise was good in it, yikes!)

Last Orders (quite moving but nowhere near as good as the book which was absolutely brilliant)

The Good Shepherd (I liked it though it was too long and Angelina Jolie was too exotic looking for her part)

Hannibal Rising (pretty rubbish but it didn't have much to work from. The guy who played Young Hannibal did even worse silly crap sinister acting than Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs, although Rhys Ifans was quite good in it. Double yikes!!)

Road to Perdition (beautifully done but a bit unengaging. Jude -I am rubbish- Law was really good. What the fuck is going on?!)

Posed? What the fuck are you talking about, posed?

2007-06-10T04:29:00.000-07:00

These relaxed, natural and entirely unstaged shots where taken at the Abbey Hotel in Penzance where I spent the weekend. The hotel is owned by 60's fashion icon Jean (The Shrimp) Shrimpton and she was apparently eating in the restaurant next door when we were in there but I couldnt comment on that as I dont know what she looks like. Twiggy yes, the Shrimp no.

Over the weekend I ate guinea fowl stuffed with brie and lamb stuffed with sweetbreads. Mmmmmmm...sweetbreads.

Who is this stylish, poised stranger?

2007-06-10T04:22:00.000-07:00

And why has he never been seen in the same room as Ben Naylor, the scruffy drug-addled piss-head?

Look...a spooky tree.

2007-06-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

And now...a word from my sponsors...

2007-06-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's my Mum and Dad, the folks who started all the trouble, seen here in the pub in Mousehole (that's a fishing village in Cornwall pronounced Mowzle for anyone reading this who isnt Rachel) before we headed to the Old Coastguard for some tasty seafood and white-wine.

My parents are paying for me to come with them to Crete in October.

Oh and they're paying off my student loan too.

Well actually, they're paying it all now and then I'm going to pay them back over the next fifty seven years, interest free. I just thought it sounded more impressive the other way.

Just everything a Cornishman/Young Adult on a cliff needs.

2007-06-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

Here's me looking soulful and intelligent in a pub near Portreath Beach and here are the vitals that sustained me during my long walk. Yep, those miners were really on to something if you ignore the whole getting buried in cave-ins thing plus the nasty bronchial infections.

(Do I still qualify as a young adult?)

Check this out...

2007-06-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

This cottage is at the entrance to Tehidy Woods and as I was walking past a beautiful young woman lured me inside but she turned out to be a wizened old enchantress and she kept me there with the intention of fattening me up to eat by feeding me pizzas. However she ran out of pizzas before I got full so when she nipped out to Morrisons to get some more I fucked off, but it was a close run thing I can tell you.

This is me...

2007-06-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

...at Mylor Churchtown near Penryn about to enjoy a cup of tea after a pleasant day out on my yacht.

Naah..just kidding. I wasnt really drinking tea.

Actually, my Mother's in the band...

2007-06-04T07:12:00.003-07:00

She's the blond haired woman playing the sax on the far left.

Oooooh...get him!

2007-05-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

This is me in one of the suits I bought in Vietnam. It's only in the cold light of day outside of the dimly lit Vietnamese shop interior and away from the high pressure sales techniques of the staff that I realise how shoddy the workmanship is on the both of them. The leather jacket I bought is slightly better. Actually, once the creases come out (if they ever do...they were crammed in a small box for about four months) and worn with a decent shirt as opposed to the laughable free ones I was given I think they may look better.
Still, I could of skipped the suits and jacket and had sex with roughly 17 Vietnamese prostitutes for the same price instead. If that wasnt morally indefensible of course.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

2007-05-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is me enjoying a patriotic pint in an English pub whilst good old patriotic pissy English weather rains down outside. Whilst I went for a pastrami ciabata rather than roast beef and mashed potato I have had plenty of Sunday lunch type food since being back as well as consuming my body-weight in pizzas, wine and kebabs. I think I have spent more money in the last two weeks in England than in the last month in Asia and my hard earned Asian build is definately softening up and spreading waistward.
I shall be heading to Cornwall on Thursday to stay with my parents for three weeks (they know I'm coming to stay but they dont know it's for three weeks yet) and may post more entries on this blog if anything exciting happens as technically my holiday hasnt come to an end yet.
Yes, here I am in Merry Olde England, trying to adjust to crap weather, high prices and an almost overwhelming sense of impending doom with relation to getting a job and moving back into crappy, shared accomodation.
Who knows, maybe I'll end up finding myself in the Robarte's Arms in Cornwall. Hey it could happen. They do food in there now.

And nooooow....the end is neeeaaaar....

2007-05-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

....and so I face...the final curtainnnnnnn. Or final Singha beer maybe.
Here I sit on my very last day in Bangkok/Thailand/Southeast Asia.
I read The Beach yesterday.
As it's the quintessential corny backpacker read I'd steadfastly refused to read it before now but I thought it would be a pleasing notion to check it out right at the end of the trip just before I head home. It was surprisingly enjoyable. I am such a literary snob.
I got a henna tattoo on my forearm yesterday as well. It's a horned goat's head skull thing and I got it purposely to torture my mother with by pretending it's real which is why I chose such a terrible design. I've already noticed a few people giving me funny looks as they walk past. Kind of like, What kind of twat gets a henna tattoo like that for fuck's sake? looks. Tee hee.
The bar/hostel/restaurant/internet cafe I'm in is showing Ginger Snaps Unleashed in half an hour. Goody.
Umm...cant really think of anything profound to say on my almost last post.
Uhhh...I was chatting to a Swedish guy last night who was the spitting image of the bloke who played Stringfellow Hawk in Airwolf.
Yes, that will have to do.

And the Queen's Gallery plays another blinder.

2007-05-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

Definitely the best gallery I have seen on my travels. Laos and Cambodia have no contemporary art scene to speak of and Vietnam's consist of really bad facsimiles of existing western art styles depicting Vietnamese scenes. Alright, Singapore had good contemporary art but that's cheating as it's not really a country although it's considered as such plus it has the immeasurable advantage of a heavy and healthy British influence over it's affairs.

I think I'm getting really patriotic. As Neil said in response to one of my emails, "typical, you go travelling and discover your inner fascist".

I want to go fox hunting when I come home. But replace the foxes with single mothers and immigrants, they're a bit more nippy.

By the way, sorry the last picture is a bit blurry but I had to take it quickly as you were not supposed to take picture or even have your camera on you and I've been told off elsewhere in Asia for doing so.

Blame Rachel.

2007-04-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

I got an email from her begging me to post photos of myself in my slim and svelte form before the lager and western food kicked in and turned me back into a fat sack of crap so here they are. She's probably constantly horny as the head is pressing against her cervix. That happens right? I'm sure I read somewhere.

Oh also. here's a picture of my hookworm. It didnt come out that well but it's the toe next to the big one. I should of taken a picture once the medication kicked in and it was all crumbly as my body was rejecting the little fucker.

Still, next time.

R.I.P.

2007-04-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

You know, it was that trek in Malaysia that finally did them in.

But they've served me well and I hate to see them go.

Much as Powers Booth says to Nicholas Cage in the Rangers Division at the start of Con Air except that my sandals are not a horse-faced twat actor who's been in some of the worst films ever commited to celluloid although I do have to admit he was quite good in The Rock.

Ghost Rider.....Brrrr....

And The Wicker Man? Oh he must die.

Right, let's try that again.

2007-04-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here I am, back in Bangkok for the FIFTH and final time, having a beer in the first cafe I went into when I arrived in November.

I had a KFC yesterday.

It was fucking fantastic. It's not that the food in southern Laos was necessarily bad it's just that I was always eating the cheapest food and not much of that in order to save cash so when I tucked into a big greasy processed sugar and salt laden western junk food fest I just felt (insert sound of Homer Simpson drooling here).

The area I went to in Laos was nice but was extremely quiet (like much of the country) and there really was not much to do beside sit in a hammock and read. Now I like sitting and reading but nine days was pushing it a bit even for me. Besides, I finished Vanity Fair just after I got there and as there was no bookshops in the area I had to rely on the books that people had donated to the guesthouses which didn't provide the best choice. By the last day I was reduced to reading The Girlfriend Curse about a thirty-something Manhattan career woman who cant land a husband.

It was not good.

Also my guesthouse was overrun with chickens and I have come to the conclusion that chickens, even worse than dogs, are the most annoying, pointless and stupid animals on God's Green Earth (I've never been that keen on dogs but have really gone off them on this trip particularly after being chased by a pack of strays when walking through the WW2 cemetery in Kanchanaburi). That KFC tasted all the sweeter when I imagined I was biting into one of those crowing bastards. Why didn't I buy that catapult that kid offered my in northern Thailand near the start of my trip? Sitting in a hammock, book in one hand, beer in the other, catapult at the ready and a big pile of hollow-point explosive-tipped chicken-piercing ammo to hand. That would have been great.

Yes, I am now back in the land of beer thanks to the completion of my medication and the destruction of my hookworm infestation. Oddly, the first few beers went down very well but I rapidly tired of the exercise. I have come to the conclusion that my body is starting to reject the absorption of that much fluid each day and is now craving wine above all things.
Yes, definitely time to come home.

On that note I should go and confirm my flight now.

Bye!

Look Another Buddha! Bet you'd forgotten all about him hadnt you?

2007-04-15T04:34:00.000-07:00

This one has a tree growing round his head which I thought made a nice change of pace.

I only popped out to get something to eat.

2007-04-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

This is me after stepping out on to the Kao San Road during Songkran. I got the hell out of Bangkok the next day and am now in Ayuthaya and I will be getting the train to the Thai/Laos border tomorrow as I have decided to spend the end of my trip in Southern Laos. The soonest I could transfer my ticket to another flight was only going to be seven days before the 3rd and would have cost 222 pounds so I've decided to stay the course till the 3rd and use my ticket as is. Leaving photographic evidence to the contrary aside I am in a slightly more upbeat mood as I type this than I was during my last couple of posts. It feels good to be on the move again after stagnating in despair in Bangkok for a week, plus everything is cheaper outside of the city (provided you go north not south) and Laos is cheaper again. I didn't get to southern Laos when I was there before so it will be nice to check out the area and it will also be a laid back way to bring the trip to a close. There's apparently not much to do in the area I'm heading to (it's called the 1000 Islands and is a collection of, you guessed it, islands in the Mekong river right on the border with Cambodia) other than drink and read by the river. Course, I cant drink for eight days due to my little parasite (possible idea for a range of children's toys?) but by George I shall enjoy it when I can! In the meantime not drinking is seriously saving me money and I think for the first time in the whole trip I may have actually lost some weight! I should probably take some pictures of myself sans shirt as a souvenir.

Anyway, I'm off now. Nowhere in the 1000 Islands had electricity before 2006 and I think most of it is still unconnected so I wouldn't think I shall be posting for a while.
Bye!

Forgot to mention...

2007-04-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

The day before I spotted my parasite I visited the Siriraj Medical Museum that included the Sood Sangvichien Prehistoric Museum, the Songkran Niyomsane Forensic Medicine Museum and......the Parasitology Museum!! Lots of pictures of scary looking things and the scary looking stuff they can do to you. Oh what exquisite timing!
No sign that I'm developing Elephantiasis in my foot just yet though which I'm quite happy about.

It's Songkran Festival here at the moment (Thai New Year) which involves spraying lots of water about and smearing each other with some kind of flour and egg paste. It is unsurprisingly particularly manic around the Kao San Road.

I am most decidedly NOT entering into the spirit of things. Remember that because of my medicational needs I am completely sober. My plan to fill one of the plastic super-soaker guns everyone is using with concentrated acid instead of water came to nothing when I forgot that concentrated acid melts plastic. I now have a new plan to replace the water with bullets and the plastic gun with a real one.

But seriously, a bunch of Thais given licence to assault foreigners, westerners given licence to act like hyperactive children and a whole load of cheap booze swilling about. Sounds like the perfect recipe for an out of control bloodbath to me.

Makes me nostalgic for southern Thailand.

2007-04-11T03:08:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I posted a blog entry while in southern Thailand (Phuket I believe) in which I stated I had reached a low point of sorts in my trip. Well it turns out however low you go there's still more down below that!
Original plan - Get back to Bangkok, arrange a flight for the 14th or thereabouts and spend a few days of comparative luxury staying in a nicer than average guesthouse, having some drinks etc. then come home fairly well within budget.
Where reality deviated somewhat from the plan - The soonest it seems I can get a flight back to England is the 3rd of next month. I'm not likely to get a cancellation and the cost of transferring the ticket to another airline looks likely to be equal to or more than the cost of staying out here till May. Ive been staying in a dogshit guesthouse trying to spend as little money as possible while I wait to see if there are any cancellations and there are some really annoying French twats in the next room who make loads of noise and who I want to kill.
Also in the original plan I most certainly do not get infected with parasites. Well one parasite really. At least I hope there's only one. A filaform larvae of the non-human hookworm to be precise. It's a long wormy thing coiled up under the skin on one of my toes. Two things to be thankful for (though I'd rather be thankful for not having hookworm at all)- it's not moving about...and the infective larvae cannot complete it's normal life cycle in a human host (they prefer raccoons apparently), meaning it remains undeveloped but can persist under the skin causing cutaneous larva migrans. Basically it digs through your skin leaving the area itchy and inflamed. Now as you may have guessed I went to the doctor's and picked up some information and also some medication. It should be completely treatable (barring some horrendous House-style complications) and the costs should be reimbursed by my travel-insurance. I cant drink for the duration of the treatment and that will take me over the Thai New Year period so I shall have a dull time there. Not that I can afford to drink or eat or do anything much at the moment anyway, still it's better to be not drinking because you cant afford to than because you're on medication to treat larval parasites.

You know, I had a nice ending for Geoff all planned out. While Geoff was going to be a bit disappointed that no great truths had been revealed, nothing had been found out, no clues as to what he was to do with his life etc. had come his way while travelling he was still going to be sad the trip was coming to an end . There was going to be a bit where he looks at a wall in England and is sorry to see no Geckos on it (there are geckos on every wall in Asia just so that makes sense to anyone who hasn't been). But now, by the time I finally get the fuck out of fucking Thailand (or the toilet bowl of Southeast Asia as I am affectionately calling it at the moment) I'm going to be so happy about it the final frame of Geoff is likely to be him turning cartwheels in an English pub going "YEE-HA!!!!! I'm out of Thailand!!! WAAA-HOO!!! No more fucking geckos!!! YAAA-HOO!!! No more rice/noodles/beggars/tuk-tuks/tailors/open sewers etc!!! HIP-HIP-HOORAY!!!"

You get the general idea.

I don't like it here anymore.

I want to come home.

And how the world turns...

2007-04-07T03:31:00.000-07:00

...yielding place to new. The wheel spins, time go by in unceasing flow, autumn leaves fall, the flow of history - skip to the end!
So here I am back in Bangkok for the fourth and final time. Fourth time I hear you cry in perplexituity. Yes, flew in on November the 12th, went north, into Laos,Vietnam, Cambodia, back into Thailand, Bangkok for one night, southern Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, flew from Singapore (that was a really nice and extremely well organised airport by the way) to Bangkok for a couple of nights, went to Kanchanaburi (where the Bridge on the River Kwai is located) and finally came back to Bangkok where I currently sit in one of the first internet cafe/bars ever I went in, supping a beer and pondering the trip and it's ending. I am kind of looking forward to coming home. The horror many people feel at the end of a long trip and the subsequent return to reality has the sting taken out of it a little for me as I shall be going to Brighton for a short while then heading to Cornwall to stay with my parents for ???? so I am not leaving Asia and heading straight back to work or anything nasty like that.
I have to say however that as I have not found myself whilst travelling, have had no revelatory experience about the nature of my existence and have most decidedly not come to any glorious conclusion as to my purpose in life from hereon out and subsequently have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do when I get back to Brighton from Cornwall I'm a little depressed as whatever happens will almost certainly entail taking a temp-job, probably at Amex and moving into crappy accommodation that's too expensive with people I don't like much.
Still, there's always the hope I'll die of malaria. I understand you can still contract the disease up to three months after leaving an infected area. Fingers crossed!

Ben on the River Kwai

2007-04-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Here I am on the Bridge on the River Kwai, the bridge built by Allied prisoner's of war for the Japanese as part of the Burma Railway, or Death Railway as it became known because of the terrible working conditions and appalling casualty rate. Of course there were probably far fewer floating restaurants either side of the bridge when it was being built and I'm fairly certain when the railway became operational that you couldn't get a cold can of Singha beer aboard the train either.

In praise of cold beer in hot climates.

2007-04-02T22:12:00.001-07:00

Once I realised how expensive beer (and everything else) was in Malaysia I became teetotal and started staying in dorm rooms to save cash. It was only then, as my expenditure dropped drastically that I realised how much I have been spending on booze over the last few months. I was dry from the 22nd of March till the 31st. Ten days. Which is the longest I have been dry since the 12th of November when I flew into Bangkok. Actually, if you want to get technical that's the longest I have been dry in the last seventeen and a half years. And when I started drinking again I realised how much I missed it. Actually that's a lie. I was well aware how much I was missing it as I was going without.

Even though Singapore is mighty pricey I thought I had to drink some Tiger beer here (as this is where it is brewed) so here I am in the heart of the historic/financial district enjoying a jug for the bargain price of $21. If you look closely you can just see the Raffles statue on the far right of the picture.

Mmmmmm....beer.

In praise of the British Empire.

2007-04-02T22:11:00.001-07:00

So I was stuck at the arse-end of Southern Thailand without a book to read and so ended up reading the History section of the Malaysia/Singapore/Brunei guidebook I had in far greater detail than I normally would. Coming after Vietnam/Laos/Cambodia which were sorry tales of French Imperial atrocities (carried out within living memory) and enthusiastic American bombing and chemical warfare campaigns the history of British involvement in Malaysia and Singapore made for quite undepressing reading. Lots of free-trade, bargaining, and infra-structure building, and less of the brutal genocidal put-downs of the natives that characterised other Imperial power's Asian history. Okay, there was a bit of that (after all you cant expect everyone to respond well to having the higher ideals of the British Empire forced upon them) but generally it was not too horrendous. I think it is high time the British Empire and the East India Trading Company was rehabilitated (I think that Neil Ferguson wrote a book recently praising it but we need some big movies to do the same...after all if Gladiator and 300 can make the Romans and Spartans look good even though they were both extraordinarily brutal despotic regimes then anything is possible...the closest thing we have so far is Master and Commander but that was marred slightly by having an Australian twat in the main role) and became more than a pantomime and slightly effeminate villain in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Who's with me?! Say it once and say it loud...I'm British and I'm proud... whilst simultaneously being rather modest and ever so slightly guilt ridden.

The white statue is Stamford Raffles, the lieutenant-governor of Java, located on the spot where he first set foot on the island of Singapore which he took over (in exchange for cash and a life pension to the sultan and local chieftain...no inappropriate violence) and turned into a major free-port, trade centre and safe haven on account of the very efficient and law-upholding British presence.

The other photo (which is not at all tacky, touristy or stupid) shows some tacky tourist idiot next to a statue of Captain Light who founded a free port on Penang in northern Malaysia. No picture of Light could be found at the time it was made so it was modelled on the features of his son William who founded Adelaide in Australia. Busy family.

Culture!

2007-04-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

Well after nearly five months and six countries I have finally managed to take in some culture (other than museums and art galleries). The rather impressive building shown is the Conservatory of Music on the National University of Singapore campus and I saw a free piano concert there a few nights ago. The following evening I saw the Singapore Symphony Orchestra perform Elgar and Mozart at the Theatre on the Bay which is near to Raffles Place, the most Singaporish bit of Singapore, where the Salvador Dali and the Henry Moore sculptures are located. To balance this out the next day I went to the cinema and watched The Shooter in which lots of people got killed and some things exploded.

Octowood!

2007-04-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

Nice.

More mocking of an ancient and revered religion.

2007-04-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

More evidence (as if any was needed) that the Hindu religion is completely crackers. These photos were taken at Sri Krishnan and Veeramakaliamman Temple in Singapore. The woman is Kali, goddess of death, destruction, fear and the consuming aspects of reality and those wacky Hindus actually worship the bloodthirsty bitch. that's when they're not stabbing you with their ritualistic daggers or strangling you as part of some diabolical Thugee sacrificial rite of course. Of course my knowledge of Hindu religion is gleaned mainly from a briefly perused Wikipedia, Gunga Din and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom so may not be entirely accurate.

Someone tell me what this billboard is advertising.

2007-03-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

Or maybe what it's warning against.

Malaysia/Singapore 80's revival?

2007-03-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

Just heard Karma Chameleon by Culture Club on the radio for the third time in eight days. What's that about?

300

2007-03-28T04:30:00.000-07:00

Gayest film ever? Naaah...that's still Troy.

Oh well...only Hot Fuzz, The Kingdom, Spiderman 3, Shrek 3+4, Rambo and Die Hard 4 and Rocky 6 to look forward to now.

Whaaa?

2007-03-28T04:26:00.000-07:00

Was anyone aware that noted Country and Western performer Kenny Rogers has a roast chicken restaurant in Kuala Lumpur? And if so why wasnt I informed?

Leeches

2007-03-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

I went to Taman Negara National Park a few days ago which is a huge area of preserved 180,000,000 year old rain forest. I did a six hour trek into this bastard and stayed overnight in a hide. Here you see me in an state of shagged-outedness that I don't think I have ever attained before and hope never to attain again. Once I got back to semi-civilization I found this chap (along with a couple of others) keeping me company and felt compelled to take a photo of him sucking his heart out in parasitical contentment before squirming away loaded with my blood after I burned him off with a lighter.

When I was in the hide rats got into my food bag during the night and nibbled my crackers. They did not however get their sharp little teeth on the Whole Nut bar I had tucked away at the bottom of my rucksack. Ha ha! Man triumphs over animal! In your face Mother Nature!

Hindu Ben?

2007-03-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

So I walk into Sri Mariamman Temple in Penang (near the Thai border on the Malaysian Peninsular) and this guy grabs me and takes me round the temple lighting candles and burning stuff, dabs some of the resulting ash/paste on my forehead and then extorts money off me. Am I to be Hindu now? I hope not. After all, the Christian/Muslim/Jewish concept of some kind of universal mind willing the existence of every single sub-atomic particle in the universe is difficult enough to swallow and anyone who does is a deluded fruit-cake in my opinion but it's positively rational compared to some of the guff that Hindus have to believe in. Still the temple was nice and colourful with surreal statues all over the place. The way in which they have been painted reminds me of Games Workshop role playing figures which wont mean anything to most people I'm sure.
This temple was in a Little India area. Most of Malaysia is Muslim and as such it is quite hard/very expensive to get a drink. Oh those silly Muslim types...when will they realise that alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems? Still, pleased to see that schools in England won the right to ban veils.
I have to say that I haven't been too impressed with what I have seen of Malaysia so far. It is even more expensive than Southern Thailand and there is no corresponding rise in quality of accommodation/food/services (except coach services) to justify it. You are constantly hearing about Malaysia's pride in it's status as an emerging developed nation and it's drive to speed the process along and all I can say is that they will not achieve that goal until they have a radical overhaul of their toilet and plumbing facilities.
Singapore is next. That is going to be even more expensive again but I will only be there for three days and at least I'm ready for that.

Thailand - The Final Rip-Off

2007-03-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

I cant be bothered to go into details. I will simply say motherfucking-bastard-motorbike-taxi-driver-twat-chops and leave it at that. Yes I have finally got out of Southern Thailand and not before time. What an overpriced dump. I'm sure there are lovely places if you know where to look but I didnt know where to look so basically Southern Thailand can stuff it's head up it's own arse for nothing and fuck off while it's doing it!!!

Having said that I did think the sign on this Tourist Information place near the bus station outside Krabi was quite sweet. Just like The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Why someone would be seeking tourist information from a place by the bus station outside Krabi is anyone's guess but there it is.

Malaysia here I come.

2007-03-17T04:25:00.000-07:00

Yes I am now in Satun (which I keep pronouncing Satan) at the very Southern bit of Thailand...where the Muslims live. Will be crossing into Malaysia by ferry thus hopefully avoiding the Islamic fundamentalists busily shooting people in the head in the noble pursuit of religious unity. Satun is a one horse town and I am out of books and there is nowhere for me to get any new ones until I am in Malaysia and I don't have a T.V. in my room so I have an exciting evening of staring at the wall ahead of me.

Talking of books I was a little surprised when I was looking at the books I have read whilst on this trip to learn that I have only got through twenty five so far which is roughly five a month. Given the amount of time on my hands I thought that was a bit low.
I saw on Yahoo that Vernon God Little topped the poll of books that Britons had started but not finished. I too started it and did not finish but that was lying in Andrew's back-garden in Oxford waiting for everyone else to wake up and it was Gabriel's copy so I only got through a bit before I had to hand it over. Of the other ten books on the list I have started and finished five (though obviously I would rather not have started/finished The Alchemist) and not touched four.
By the way, just finished Last Orders by Graham Swift which is the best book I have read so far this trip and one of the best books I have read in a long time. Made me very nostalgic for English pubs and ale and wet weekends at Margate even though I've never been to Margate.

Do any species of animal have anything other than none or two or eight eyes? There are animals (sea-slugs, jellyfish etc.) that have no eyes and all mammals, birds, reptiles etc. have two and some spiders have eight but are there animals that have more than eight or less than eight but more than two?

Had a dream a few nights ago where I was charging across Stalingrad to try and liberate the city from the Nazis whilst simultaneously charging across Red Square during the Russian Revolution on my way to chuck the Muslims out of Jerusalem during the Crusades. Obviously my history was getting a little mixed up but I do know for sure that for some reason Johnny Depp was in charge of the whole shebang. What do you think that means?

Saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory recently. It was nonsensical and disjointed even by Tim Burton's admittedly high standards.

Well that's about it...see you in Malaysia.

I accidentally ate in McDonalds.

2007-03-12T05:20:00.000-07:00

Basically I was in Patong in Phuket and had been drinking all day and hadn't eaten anything and was waiting for the bus to pick me up and take me to Simon's Transvestite Cabaret (that was quite good...if you haven't seen a fat tranny miming to Tina Turner's Simply the Best and a load of lady boys mincing about in Egyptian costume beneath a giant fake Sphinx to the strains of Boney M then you probably haven't lived. The fat tranny aside there where a lot of very convincing men/women on display. Penis-schmenis..we're all people!) and I needed to eat something so nipped into a nearby branch of MD and ordered a burger but the woman thought I meant a meal so I ended up having to eat it.
The traditional greeting in Thailand is the wai - a prayer-like gesture with the palms placed together accompanied by a small bow. As you can see from the sculpture outside (sculpture is too grand a term but I'm not sure what else to call it) McDonalds has incorporated this into their sales pitch. I'd like to see one in a heavily Catholic country like Spain or Ireland with it's arms spread wide and it's head on one side, possibly with I Am The Way written above it or possibly Take Eat, This Is My Body And My Blood Which I Give In Remembrance Of Thee though I realise that would be a bit fiddly to render in neon.

So I went from Phuket to the island of Phi Phi (pronounced Pee Pee though it could just as easily have been Shit Shit) which is a nice island unfortunately covered by a building site and crammed full of really loathsome Westerners who deserved to get swepted away by a tsunami. There was some important football match on yesterday, Celtic Rangers versus Jesus or something and every bar and restaurant had it blaring out of their t.v.s whilst sunburnt idiots cheered as if the outcome was actually important to their pitiful lives. Christ football is shit and everyone who cares about it is a twat.
Still, once that had ended the bar I was in had a boxing ring in the middle and I got drunk whilst watching pissed up tourists kick the crap out of each other which was quite funny.

I also (finally) did a snorkel which was good. Saw a sea-snake! Am now horrendously sunburnt and am trying to decide whether to go Kayaking tomorrow or whether to hide in my room covered in wet towels.

This is me doing a bungee jump.

2007-03-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

Why? I hear you ask.

Because it is in man's indominable nature to scare himself silly every now and again for no good reason!

The name's Naylor...Ben Naylor.

2007-03-08T03:15:00.000-08:00

Here I am near Phang Nga bay on Ko Phin Kan, or to give it it's proper title (as it is known in most of the tourist literature and brochures) James Bond Island. Yes here I walk the very beach where Messrs. Moore and Lee began their duel to the death in The Man With The Golden Gun. I'm sure you recognise the rock formation behind me (Ko Tapu - Nail Island) as the site from the top of which Scaramanga's big solar-powered death-ray thing emerges. Of course there were rather less stalls selling sea-shells, postcards and fridge magnets here when 007 did his thing. Given that they are still advertising the connection to a Bond film that is now 33 years old I was surprised by the total lack of any Bond related merchandise for sale. I would have thought at least that some enterprising chap would have a replica Walther PPK and Golden Gun to hire out to tourists for a photo opp. standing back to back, pistols at dawn style. Maybe it's just as well..imagine the agony of choice...do I want to be Roger Moore or Christopher Lee? Aaaargh!

Changing the subject...I had stated before going on this trip that if I got fed up and wanted to come home before I had spent all my money I wasn't going to force myself to stay out until it was all gone just for the sake of it...I was just going to pack up and bugger off. However Neil told me that when/if that moment comes I should push through it and stay out as long as possible as this is, if not a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, a once-in-a-great-long-time opportunity and that does make sense to me. I had made tentative plans to go into Malaysia next and then Singapore, flying back from there to Bangkok. Then I thought oooh why not Malaysia, Indonesia then Singapore? Of course this was all speculated upon before I entered the slump of the past week or so. Mind you I don't know if this is an actual slump or if I'm just pissed off because stuff has gone consistently wrong since returning to Thailand.

I'm now in Phuket the dive capital of Thailand. Someone explain this to me - one day's snorkeling in Vietnam = $6 Cambodia = $9 Ko Chang in Thailand near the Cambodian border = $15 Phuket down south = $45.

$45 for a fucking snorkel!!!??? I'm not trying to buy cocaine! Plus all the trips seem to go to Phi Phi where I will be going next so I don't know if I should wait until I get there but I bet if I do all the snorkel trips from there will run to Phuket!

So far I have travelled through Southern Thailand not doing lots of interesting things so I don't really want to leave Phuket without doing something. I was going to see some Muay Thai (kickboxing) but that's too expensive and I was supposed to do a bungee jump today but something broke down somewhere so there was no electricity at the bungee place so I just ended up coming back to town. It was about 15 minutes out of town but at least the place I booked it from reimbursed me my travel costs. I'm going to try again tomorrow but I'm not optimistic. I suspect that Godzilla will attack downtown Phiket or something.

Anyway, all this stuff-going-wrong-and-how-much-did-you-say-that-costs-ness combined with what may be travel fatigue is only fuelling the little voices who are whispering "Go on..give up now..Go home..Think of all the money you'll have left..Imagine how much wine, take-aways and DVD's staring Richard Burton you could buy!"

The fact that I would like my Vietnam suits to get home first coupled with the fact that I don't actually have a specific home to go to are two of the main stumbling blocks to this plan of action.

By the way, after doing some research I'm not going to do a PADI course as you need to be a reasonable swimmer/confident in the water etc. and I'm not. Plus I would probably get savaged by a turtle or something. Also I found out that you can do tandem parachute jumps in Pattaya and I cant afford to do both. Hopefully my luck will have improved before I hurl myself out at 10,000 feet otherwise there could be a real downer ending to this trip.

Well it's all going tit's up and no mistake.

2007-03-04T23:27:00.000-08:00

Quick recap. Left Koa Chang after my non-snorkel and headed south. Figured there would be plenty of cheap snorkel daytrips there (ha ha..aha ha ha..that's the sound of me laughing derisively at myself) that I could go on and practise my breathing, get confident etc. before splashing out on a PADI course (a beginner's scuba diving course) which are quite pricey, about $400 (this keyboard doesnt have a pound sign... halve $400 and you have it in pounds). So I rock up at Khoa Lak and discover that the visibility off shore is no good and you have to go further afield. Near here are the Similan Island which are supposed to have some of the best coral reefs and dive sites in the world. Unfortunately as they are some way off shore and because they have such a good reputation and as this is such a busy tourist destination and as Thailand is SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE a day's snorkel there costs $80 which is more than I can afford. One woman I spoke to was unsure if there were any offshore snorkel opportunities in this part of Thailand which would make a few practise trips prohibitively expensive if I want to still be able to afford to do a PADI.
I'd decided, what the hell, hang the cost, best dive site in the world and all that, i'll do it as long as one of the dive centres had a prescription mask so I could see what the hell was going on (I know when you snorkel nothing is too far away from you but I didnt want to take the chance and spend $80 and not be able to see anything. The trip I missed in Koa Chang was $15 which wouldnt have been too expensive had it been a visual failure. By the way, the snorkel trip I did in Cambodia was $9 and the cost of a snorkel trip in Vietnam was $6 plus free bar) but no-one did (scratch that, no-one had one for hire but a couple did have them for sale.. a snip at $80 and upwards). Nha Trang is Vietnam's premier dive site and the two PADI courses I asked about there both had prescription masks so I figured that Thailand would be sure to have them too. I would pay $15 for a snorkel trip with no prescription mask but there is no way I would pay $80 and no way I would pay $400 for a PADI cousre (which ends with a open ocean dive so good visibility is essential) without them. The Similan Islands is one of the best sites in Thailand making Khoa Lak one of the main dive centres so the fact that they dont have any doesnt bode well for anywhere else in the country.

Khoa Lak itself is okay I guess but it is really built around diving so there isnt a great deal else to do here. The beach is nice but, as I realised in Koa Chang, the trouble with beaches (and I think you tend to forget this if you havent been to one in a while) is that they are in fact fantastically boring if there is nothing else to do on or near them. At least at the beach in Sihanoukville in Cambodia you were constantly being hassled by children pedalling bracelets, women selling fruit and crayfish and offering massages and pedicures, and hideously disfigured guys who'd lost both arms in mining accidents or had their legs blown off by landmines asking for money so it kept things interesting. Also there were bars along the sea front that you could afford to drink from. Not the case here, there are bars along the sea front but as I believe I mentioned earlier Thailand is SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!! Was it this expensive in the North? I cant remember. I dont think so. Stick a beach or sea view onto something and you can stick a few more zeros onto the price. That's the reason no-one from Cornwall can afford to buy a house there.

Also, with regards Khoa Lak, I havent seen this many old fat ugly Germans in one place since....well I'm delighted to say that I have never seen this many old fat ugly Germans in one place before. There were almost certainly more in Pattaya but they tended to blend in with the other fat ugly tourists whereas here they stand out. And the odd thing is that when there are large groups or families the young ones are all toned and muscular and fit and Aryan looking and the old ones are bloated saggy sacks of crap. There seems to be no transition period. Do they reach a certain age and just swell up like Spanish women after they get married?
Enquiring minds want to know.

So I saw a woman firing bananas out of her vagina...

2007-03-02T23:14:00.000-08:00

...no photos though.

That's what's called a 'teaser'. More in a minute.

So here I am again in Thailand. Crossed the border from Cambodia a few days ago, stayed overnight in Trat and then headed for Ko Chang. Nice island but I was only planning on going there for a couple of days to do a snorkel dive before heading toward Bangkok and then down south and the stupid cow at the guesthouse took my money for the snorkel day trip they organise but forgot to tell the people who actually turn up in the morning with the boat so I just sat around for a bit waiting pointlessly before fucking off back to the mainland in disgust. Got my money back though.
Hey ho. I'm heading to Khoa Lak today which is near Phuket, Krabi etc. where I will spend the rest of my time in Thailand, snorkeling, kayaking and scuba-diving. Not bad for a guy who cant swim to save his life. Well actually, I could probably swim to save my life should saving my life be required but fortunately the situation has yet to arise.

Just had a disgusting meal. Sometimes the noodles here can be quite nice but sometimes they can be like eating long flattened streaks of snot. Also it's some kind of holy Buddha day and bars and restaurants are not supposed to sell booze so I had to keep the bottle hidden under the table and drink from a plastic cup in case the police drove by. The sacrifices I make in the name of religious tolerance.

After Ko Chang I stopped for one night in Pattaya. As you may or may not know Thailand is the sex tourist capital of Asia (in fact, according to the guidebook sex tourism makes up 50% of all tourism in Thailand) and Pattaya is the sex tourism capital. What can I say, the place was pure class. As well as the sex aspect it's also the most popular beach resort in the country as it's only two hours from Bangkok so many tourists fly into the capital and then head to Pattaya to soak up the sun. As a result the place is a neon soaked nightmare of fat balding or mulleted guys wandering round with tiny delicate Asian prostitutes and whole families of squinty peeling German and English holiday makers. Lots of bars with names like The Nag's Head and The Plow and Parrot etc.
Not that I can really criticize as I took in a sex show whilst I was there, thus becoming part of the problem. You've probably guessed that's what the title of the entry is in reference to. The bizarre genital stunts and groups of curious tourists (often groups of women or even families - no kids, but lots of couples with their parents) in attendance combined to produce a spectacularly un-erotic spectacle that could only be made worse by some brighter lighting and possibly lots of photographs on the walls of my mum and dad looking disapproving.

You know, it's funny being back in Thailand. I think the thing that strikes me the most after travelling in Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia is just how FUCKING EXPENSIVE it is here!!! Sweet Jesus! 80 Baht for a beer! 300 Baht for a crappy concrete hut near a beach! 875 Baht for a bus ticket to Khoa Lak!
I seem to remember people saying stuff like "Yeah it was just a hut with a bed in but it was right on the beach and only cost 3 dollars."
I'm beginning to think I misheard and they were actually saying "It was just a hut with a bed in and cost 10 fucking dollars BUT it was right on the beach."

Anyway, I have to go now and watch Rocky Balboa. Bye.

I'm not drunk now...

2007-02-26T03:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry about yesterday's post. I was tipsy. I'll tell you something else you shouldn't do. You shouldn't get drunk and then get up early next morning to take a two hour boat ride and go snorkeling. Still, saw some fish and some space-hopper sized sea anemonies. Found the breathing a bit tricky so will go snorkeling a few more times before I splash out for a scuba-diving course in Thailand. I may see an octopus!!!

The Angkor Arms (Angkor Wat/Anchor Arms...see what they did there?) was apparently the first pub/bar to be established in Sihanoukville (a town on the coast near Thailand) after the Khmer Rouge thing plus the years of instability following it went away. Doesn't it make you feel proud that it's a British one? It was quite an authentic approximation of an English pub inside, just quite a rough one where you wouldn't necessarily want to stay in. But look, established in 1995. That means that before twelve years ago there was no pub here! The horror! The horror!

Ate in a restaurant called The Snake Pit a few nights ago which is a working reptile house with tanks with snakes in around the walls and snakes in the tables under glass. I had some kind of python in mine.

Off to Thailand tomorrow. Later.

I'll tell you what you shouldnt do...

2007-02-25T00:18:00.000-08:00

You shouldn't drink a bottle of wine and then go wandering round Cambodia in the middle of the day in 98 degree temperatures.
I feel peculiar.
Still....um.....whatever. The computer I'm typing this on is ancient. I think it's a Commodore 64. I may have played Daley Thompson's Triathlon Challenge on this back in the day. Not as good as Manic Miner obviously.
My memory card broke. It now says it only has room for 32 pictures rather than 99. Also, whenever I charge a battery up and then put it in the camera it seems to run down before it has even been used...almost as if it's life-force is being sucked out by some invisible entity from a John Wyndham novel.
Whilst we're talking, why doesn't Margaret Atwood just write a straight up sci-fi novel instead of skirting round the issue?
Oryx and Crake doesn't count as that is a sci-fi novel and totally destroys my argument. Whatever the fuck that is.
Is anyone out there actually reading this crap or am I just spitting textual exaculations out into the void?.....Kind of like having a wank in space.
It's exactly like having a wank in space. Only not really. SOME RESPONSE PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Umm....cant think of anything else to say.
Christ it's hot.
They serve red wine chilled here, the ignorant uncultured swine. Okay so your country is thrown into a hellish genocidal maelstrom of terror that it is only now emerging from...but for fuck's sake the world does not stop!
Half Man Half Noodle. The best name of a bar/restaurant I have seen so far.
Bye.

Ha! Ha! I am a cliche.

2007-02-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

When I got back to Phnom Penh I stayed by a lake in the north of the city. Well, I say a lake...it was really more like an enormous toxic puddle that had a weird rotting metal smell if you got too close. There is a cul-de-sac of a road running down one side of it which is crammed with pack-packer hostels, Western restaurants, book exchanges, money changers, music download places etc. Basically it made the Khoa San Road in Bangkok look positively open and ethnic by comparison. At least you could walk through that from one Thai-ish bit of the city to another. Once you got into this place you were trapped in a web of Westernism. Anyway I embraced it wholeheartedly for a bit. Ate steak and mash (there was a place called The Lazy Gecko which had the best sauces I have ever tasted. The blue cheese sauce was to die for. Shame the staff were fantastically unfriendly. The blurb in the menu went to great pains to point out that it was a Western run place and the Cambodian staff were paid a decent wage, had health benefits, holidays etc. which may explain it. Give people Western conditions and you get Western surliness. Keep 'em hungry and they have to work for their tips. Just kidding...a bit.) and downloaded an Orb album (got a massage in Siem Riep and the floaty music gave me a childish desire for some of the ambient gubbins I used to listen to as a youngster whilst on acid) which I 'zoned out' to whilst enjoying a beer in a guesthouse bar overlooking the lake (which may be deadly to human life should you fall in but does at least look nice) as the sun was setting. These places are fun and quite welcome occasionally but I find them a bit suffocating after a while so I headed on to Kampot (was horrible hungover for the journey...first time I have travelled with a hangover since leaving Bangkok oh-so-many moons ago) for a couple of days and am now in Sihanoukville on the coast which will be my jumping off point to get back into Thailand.
Will write some more later but the internet is quite expensive here.
Toodles.
By the way, I don't know if Kevin is reading this blog but if he is he will no doubt be vindicated and happy to know that I also downloaded Stevie Wonder - The Definitive Collection. Okay, okay, he is rather good (although I Don't Know Why I love you is a big pile of plops).

My arse hurts...

2007-02-17T01:00:00.001-08:00

I left Siem Riep by boat yesterday at 7.30am heading for Battambang, the second biggest city in Cambodia after Phnom Penh. We had to get out at midday as the water levels are too low at this time of year to get all the way there by river and we all piled into three pick-up trucks, thirteen people in the back of ours plus luggage, three people sitting on the roof of the cabin, and set off for a two hour journey along a "road" stopping occasionally when the truck stalled or when the driver/guide had to get out in order to hack vegetation from our path with a machete or more alarmingly to guide the truck through pits, holes and dips in the "road" that threatened to tip us over. I sat/bounced on the side of the truck hence the arse-ache-age. Still it was all quite good fun as we had some lively characters in the group who cheered everyone else along. Left to my own devices I would undoubtedly have sat there in silent uncomplaining discomfort for the whole trip. We all met up for a meal that evening and are doing the same thing tonight. Just as well really as there is flip-all to do in Battambang apart from visiting Wats and various caves outside of the city and I've seen enough Wats and caves to last me a good long while. I've just bought my ticket back to Phnom Penh for tomorrow so will be there for one night before heading to the coast. It's Chinese New Year tomorrow so there may be some craziness afoot. When I arrived in Battambang I kept hearing what I took to be gunshots and thought hmm..maybe I will stay in my hotel room but then remembered CNY and realised they were fire-works...probably...most of them.

Lets see...what else...Oh yes, I nearly got my camera snatched in Phnom Penh by two kids on the back of a moped but fortunately had the strap round my wrist so ran along behind them snarling "Let go you fuckers!"as aggressively as I could before they gave up and buggered off. They nearly came off the bike when they swerved to avoid a lamp-post but fortunately didn't as I would have had no idea what to do then not having the necessary authority or manhandling skills with which to carry out a citizen's arrest.

I have developed something of an aversion to rice which, given the part of the world I am in, is something of a problem.

Read Inversions by Iain M. Banks recently. It was crap. Read Dirt Music by Tim Winton. It was good.

Temples, temples, temples, temples....

2007-02-14T20:24:00.000-08:00

...temples, temples, temples, temples. Templey, wempley, dempley, hempley. Temple-emple-snemple-cemple. Yes, it's happened. I am now officially "templed-out". I have temple-fatigue. Temple-tiredness has set in. I'm up to my tits in temples. I just yearn for a two-door semi. or a portloo or something. I am currently in Siem Riep around which are the temples of Angkor making it the temple capital of the world! The first picture is Beng Mealea temple, the second is Preah Khan, the third is Bayon in the Angkor Thom complex, and the last is the big one, Angkor Wat. Not included is Ta Prohm which was used as a location in the puddle of cat sick known as Tomb Raider : The Movie. The Lonely Planet map of Ta Prohm even points out the Tomb Raider Tree (as it calls it) which Lara Croft climbed up to get a magic orchid or something.

My personal favourite was Preah Khan...it had the gone-to-ruin atmospherics of Beng Mealea without the genital punishing bike ride to get there plus the nature running wild spookiness of Ta Prohm but with half the number or tour groups traipsing through, presumably because Angelina Jolie never ran through it in her pants.

Unfortunately I've had a dodgy stomach the last couple of days so had to intersperse appreciation for the architecture of the ancient Khmer empire with frequent trips to the bathroom to unleash the warm jets.

Siem Riep is a nice little town. Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia all have a French influence in the buildings and food but Laos was bombed to hell by the Americans during the Vietnam War (in fact it's per capita the most heavily bombed country in history) and Vietnam itself came in for a pounding so many towns and cities were damaged or completely destroyed. Cambodia didnt cop too much from the Yanks and as the Khmer Rouge were more about up-close and personal genocide rather than artillery based wackiness the lovely old French building are mostly still intact. Every horrendous act of mass-slaughter has a silver lining.

Changing the subject, some people have asked me who is taking all the pictures with me in. Well I shall tell you...random strangers that's who. Either I am more fantastically antisocial than even I thought (which is a possibility) or that whole oh-you'll-meet-so-many-people thing is a complete load of cobblers. Dont get me wrong, I've met people, chatted to folks on the same boat trips, firing range outings etc. but nothing more than that. There are certainly no roving bands of friendly attractive single-travellers littering the Southeast Asian landscape. Good thing I like my own company. The Khoa San road in Bangkok was the most sociable place, mainly because so many Westeners were crammed into such a small place and also everyone was very drunk. Hey ho.

Just got my boat ticket to Battambang tomorrow after which it will be back to Phnom Penh and then to the coast. I'm thinking of going to Malaysia after Thailand and then possibly Singapore for a few days before flying back to Bangkok and then home. Depends on money of course but I think Singapore would be a nice swanky place to end the trip.

It's a holiday in Cambodia!

2007-02-14T02:11:00.000-08:00

It's tough kids but it's life! (That's another Dead Kennedy's reference by the way)

Well here I am again, firing weapons and what have you. This was at a somewhat dubious firing range/army base near Phnom Penh airport in Cambodia. Those of a more girly, sensative disposition will be pleased to know that I politely turned down the chance to shoot a chicken. Given that most of my shots went wide of the target it's probably for the best. I didnt fancy watching something I'd just taken a wing off running round squaking and spraying blood everywhere. The target shown had a total of thirty shots fired from an AK47 at it by myself so you can see a career in the Special Forces is not a-calling. I did get the fucker in the throat though and if you ask me anyone who's dumb enough to hang around a firing range with a big bull's eye on their chest deserves everything they get.

To balance this glorification of violence out I also visited the Killing Fields (where the Khmer Rouge carried out mass executions) and the Tol Sleung Museum (a former school that was turned into their primary detention and interrogation centre i.e. somewhere they tortured and killed people).

They didnt actually shoot many of the 2 million people they killed (out of a population of just 7 million, pretty mind-boggling really, that's over a quarter of the population) as that was a waste of bullets, preferring instead to decapitate them or bash their skulls in against trees so I didnt feel too bad mixing genocidal history with gunplay.

Vietnam : A Miscellany

2007-02-13T02:42:00.000-08:00

Well here I am again. I havnt posted in awhile because of torturously slow internet connections so I thought I would provide a quick update of my progress. I left Nha Trang and headed to Ho Chi Minh City which was a fun place, very noisy and chaotic. Plus there was a bia hoi place within 12 seconds staggering distance of my guesthouse. I then travelled by boat through the Mekong Delta towards the Cambodian Border. Here are some assorted photographic snapshots -

It was quite odd having a beer whilst a crocodile stares at you.

These are some dead things from a market in the Mekong. I dont know what they are though. Or were.

A mock-up of one of the notorious "tiger-cages"used by the French on display at the War Remnants Museum in HCMC. I think the model looks a bit like Johnny Depp.

I think most people have seen this one (mainly because I sent it to everybody) but this is me firing an AK474 at the Cu Chi Tunnels outside HCMC.

The Delta again. And thank heavens that with just one day of my month in Vietnam left I finally got to travel by boat down a Vietnamese river while listening to the Rambo soundtrack on my MP3 player!

Look...Hove Town Hall with tanks in front of it.

2007-01-31T02:42:00.001-08:00

This is the Reunification Palace in HCMC where communist troops overthrew the Vietnamese Republic in 1975. In 1868 a residence was built here for the French governor and after the French left Vietnam it became home to South Vietnamese President Ngo Dinh Diem. He was so unpopular that in 1962 his own air force bombed the palace in an attempt to kill him. He ordered a new palace built on the same site (with a bomb shelter and underground communication rooms from which to quell rebellions) which was finished in 1966. The result is what the guidebook describes as "an outstanding example of 1960s architecture." Well it is an outstanding example of 1960s architecture but whether that means it's any good is another matter. The inside is a curious mix of tasteful and elaborate Asian style and godawful mid-sixties sofas and chunky brown chairs. All in all a great place from which to organise resistance against armed insurgents...or possibly host Abigail's Party. I'm not kidding. All that's missing is the fondue set and soda-stream. Would have posted pictures of the interior but due to my wonderful eye all the pictures I took made it look quite nice. By the way, Diem was killed by his own troops in 1963.

Will wonders never cease?

2007-01-31T02:40:00.000-08:00

Look, some contemporary Vietnamese art that isnt plops!

What the?

2007-01-31T02:38:00.000-08:00

This was on the wall of a guesthouse I stayed in at Mui Ne.

Brilliant! Best thing so far!

2007-01-28T03:37:00.000-08:00

I went on an island hopping boat trip from Nha Trang and the last place we went to was this bizarre aquarium on Hon Mieu Island. You walk through the fish and proceed to the Pirates of the Carribean style ship which houses the fish. I could have spent the whole day there. Shame the gift shop was rubbish.

By the way, there was swimming and floating bar type activities off the boat and I had nothing to wear in the water so I hired this shocking pink affair from the trip organisers. I think it brings out the colour in my soul.

FISH!

2007-01-28T03:35:00.000-08:00

The Octopus Bar is definately getting a mention in Geoff.

2007-01-28T03:31:00.000-08:00

Shame I didnt have time to get blind drunk there. Although maybe that was for the best.

Nazi monks, nazi monks, nazi monks...

2007-01-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

...FUCK OFF!!!! That's a Dead Kennedy's reference and if you dont get it I dont care.

Yes, it's yet more Buddhas....

2007-01-27T18:43:00.000-08:00

...but look...here's Jesus! This was taken at a Catholic church in Nha Trang. It was too dark inside to take photos but it was good to see a tortured, guilt-laden religious figure nailed to a plank in a gloomy setting after all these serene smiley outdoor types.

Look, this photo was my guide's idea...

2007-01-27T18:42:00.000-08:00

...and he was the one driving the moped okay?

Me at the My Son ruins.

2007-01-27T18:40:00.000-08:00

Vietnam...a summary.

2007-01-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for a while as the internet is painfully slow in Vietnam and in many cafes I haven't been able to open this site at all, besides which, uploading my photos is the priority and once they have finished I have usually been on line for an hour and a half.
As I have finally managed to log onto Blogger I thought I would give a brief run down of my Vietnam visit so far before I head to Ho Chi Minh City tomorrow (or possibly the day after).

Crossed the border from Laos on the 8th and ended up in Vinh which is about halfway up the country. There's nothing in Vinh thanks to the sterling work carried out by American bombers and warships during the war, although as America never declared a state of emergency it was never technically a war. Perhaps we should refer to it as the Vietnam Spat or Tiff.

Headed up to Hanoi which was very nice and a change after Laos as there was stuff going on and hot running water and a magic box in my hotel room that showed flickering images that told stories!

Went to Halong Bay which was pretty good but the weather wasn't perfect. It's actually the wintery/rainy season in the north of Vietnam at the moment so it was a bit misty. Then headed to Nimh Binh which was even grimmer than Vinh but without the excuse of having had the crap bombed out of it. However I did go to Tam Coc which is near there and is basically Halong Bay in rice paddies. 'Twas here I purchased that wonderful embroidered item that has predictably attracted absolutely no interest.

Then went to Hue where the weather was pretty bad so I only stayed a couple of days. Nice place though.

Next Hoi An which is a small, quiet picturesque place on account of emerged from the four million wars Vietnam has been involved in over the last eight thousand years inexplicably unscathed. Also the town planning has been handled with some care so any new buildings have to constructed with some care in order to match the old. As a result there aren't any Communist style concrete monstrosities blotting the landscape. I bought a couple of suits here which look nice but are no doubt made of a really crappy material which will fall apart after being worn once. The owner of the shop tried to set me up with her cousin who is studying in Ho Chi Minh but I politely declined.

From here I visited the ruins at My Son (pictures to follow) and then headed to Nha Trang. Nha Trang is a beach resort which is supposed to be the brash, hedonistic party capital of Central Vietnam but I saw precious little evidence of this though I did take a boat trip to some nearby islands where the emphasis was on boozing which was quite fun. Also the wind at this time of year in this part of the country meant that you couldn't relax on the beach with a beer without half of it getting blown away all over the person next to you. Still, I guess you could sit downwind of everyone with your mouth open.

Next I went to Mui Ne (which is where I am now) which is another beach resort but the opposite of what Nha Trang is (supposed to be) like i.e. quiet and upmarket. The trouble is there doesn't actually seem to be a seafront. The beach is completely cut off behind an endless row of hotels which I guess you need to be staying at in order to get to. I shall hire a moped today and see if I can find a chink in the armour and will also check out the fabled and much photographed sand-dunes nearby. After that I will head to Ho Chi Minh as my month here is fast coming to an end and there is a lot to see and do there, plus I have to make time to get through the Mekong Delta to the border crossing with Cambodia.

By the way, I ate grilled Barracuda yesterday. It didn't taste like chicken.

I like this photo.

2007-01-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

Climbed to the top of that bastard a couple of days ago.

2007-01-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

Halong Bay

2007-01-17T00:08:00.000-08:00

This is me at Halong Bay.

Yes, this could be yours!

2007-01-15T01:05:00.000-08:00

I took a boat trip round Tam Coc today and the women rowing the boat try and sell you their embroidery (and they really dont take no for an answer) so just to shut them up I bought this charming item, now being offered as the prize for the challenge posted below on account of the fact that I really dont want it.

Dont all rush at once.

Yep...it's another Buddha.

2007-01-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

I know there have been a lot of Buddhas on this blog but I was forced to admit that this was quite a nice one...and it comes in two colour tones! Heck, when your a revered mythical deity you can do whatever you like I guess.

A Challenge!!!

2007-01-13T23:12:00.000-08:00

The contemporary art in most of the museums/galleries in Vietnam is pretty bad (it was quite good in Thailand and practically non-existent in Laos) generally being copies of existing painting styles. This one really made me laugh but while I reconise the artist's style that has been copied (though I'm fairly sure he never included Kalishnikovs or RPGs in his paintings) I cant think of his name. If anyone can enlighten me you'll win an incense burner shaped like a dragon or something equally as tacky.

It's great this blog...you get entertained beyond your wildest dreams, learn things and get the opportunity to win touristy crap! (And I dont want to hear from just Gabriel)

Come on...Stalin wasnt all bad.

2007-01-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

These heroic communist style statues were all over Hanoi. It's strange seeing communist symbols like the hammer and sickle above shop doorways and flying on flags when you are a child of the Eighties and grew up in the certain knowledge that commies were sneaky slant eyed bastards or hulking great muscle-bound thugs in dire need of a thorough cleansing in the fire from automatic weaponry, preferably automatic weaponry in the capable hands of Mr Sylvester Stallone (havent been able to find a cinema showing Rocky Balboa yet...oh the humanity).
The guy with the three-pronged sink-plunger pops up a lot. At first I thought he was a really dynamic plumber who heroically unblocked drains during the war of American aggression but then I found out that the thing he's holding is a three-pronged bomb used by suicide squads to destroy French tanks at the start of the National Resistance War in December 1946. Live and learn.

I am Captain Caucasian from the Milky Bar Planet in the Blond Nebulae!

2007-01-13T04:45:00.000-08:00

Or possibly Blond Boy from the Milky Bar Planet in the Caucasian Nebulae....or maybe Colonel Caucasian from the Planet Blond in the Milky Bar Nebulae...anyway, you get the general idea.
I know I havent posted for a while so here is a very brief rundown of my recent activities.
I left Vientiene on the 3rd and went to Paksan (which was crap so I just stayed overnight) then to Ba Na Hin (which is a very small 'town' in the middle of nowhere but is quite nice..it was here that I felt like Captain Caucasian, think I'll have to get that printed on a T-shirt, and got stared at by all the children) from where I got a songthaew (half taxi/half truck) to Tham Lot Kong Lo (a really big cave, 100m high and as wide in some places, where a river runs through a mountain that you can take a boat along) then I stayed overnight at a nearby village then I went to Lak Sao (which was also crap and I only stayed one night) and then my visa for Vietnam finally kicked in so I headed to the border and finally arrived in Hanoi at 3.30am on the 9th. It was a bitch of a journey and I got ripped off a little by my transport (which is kind of obligatory) but Hanoi is really good, very lively which is nice after the past couple of weeks in Laos which have been spent in fairly primitive accomodation in extremely quiet places. My room in Hanoi has a bath (a BATH I tells ye!) a fridge and a T.V.! So I have spent the last few days having baths, drinking beer from the fridge and watching crap films on HBO. Oh, and I also visited the War Museum, Museum of Fine Art, Ho Chi Minh Museum, Museum of Vietnamese Revolution and took in a Water Puppet Theatre Show. Oooh arent I cultural? I was thinking of going to the Hanoi Opera House tonight but there is a ballet version of West Side Story playing which I didnt fancy.
Will be heading to Nimh Binh tomorrow and will try to post some pictures soon depending on how long this machine takes to upload them.

By the way, the cave shown is not the one I've mentioned. It was one near Vang Viang from which operations were planned during the war.
Later.

Red wine, local transport, and spatial awareness (oh, and Geoff too).

2006-12-26T00:11:00.000-08:00

God I love red wine. I'm in the capital of Lao (Vientiane) where it is plentiful and have just realised how much I have missed it over the past month and a half. Okay, I had my suspicions but they have now been confirmed. That's one thing you can say about the French. Get colonised by the British and you may end up with a decent infrastucture, telecommunication service and a reasonably competent police force but get colonised by the French and you get some nice red wine...oh, and some stylish villas too.

So...local transport is fun. A lot cheaper than the so called VIP coaches that run between all the main towns/cities/sights and usually less crowded. Though that wasn't the case when I went out top Buddha Park. On the way back some people were just getting it to get back into town but others were using it to transport goods there too. One woman got on and started loading up any available space with crates of Lao Beer, boxes of dried squid and sacks of chili powder and all I could think was, Wow, this would be an interesting crash should the bus go off the road...painful, but at least we wouldn't starve.

I have to say that thus far Thais and Laos have demonstrated a breathtaking lack of even the vaguest sense of spatial awareness that puts the admittedly spatially unaware folk of Britain to shame. You know how when you're walking around the streets of Brighton or wherever and someone just stops dead in the middle of the pavement without any thought to the people around them or stands and has a conversation while blocking a walkway or strolls along so slowly they start going backwards in time seemingly unaware of the fact that there might conceivably be people behind them and you get so frustrated you just want to crack them round the head with a cricket bat and keep beating them relentlessly while they are lying defenceless on the ground until they die from massive external injuries or drown internally in their own blood?
Well multiply that by a thousand and you will known what the situation is like in Southeast Asia. These people are naturally small. Do they therefore feel compelled to overcompensate by taking up more room? I haven't beaten anyone to death yet though. I'm waiting until I get Cambodia. I understand there are places you can go and pay to do that sort of thing.

I've got some great stuff for Geoff..A Half-Shark-Half-Octopus in Asia. Looking forward to starting work on that. I've already started planning out a few strips.

This place would be freaky if you were on acid..........which I WASNT.

2006-12-24T03:38:00.000-08:00

This is Xieng Khuan (otherwise known as Buddha park) and it's about an hour outside of Vientiane. It was built in 1958 by Luang Pu Bunleua Sulilat who merged Hindu and Buddhist myths and iconography into the trippy theme-park you see here. The big pumpkin-shaped thing you can see in the background of one photo has three levels inside joined by spiral stairways that are supposed to represent hell, earth and heaven. You enter through the mouth and work your way up. I was in there on my own and dont mind admitting it was a bit spooky. Everything looked like it was about to come to life in a stop-motion Clash of the Titans kind of way. The view shown is taken on top of the pumpkin. Some people are weird and/or deluded, but some people are weird and/or deluded and make bizarre places like this that others can enjoy. Nice.

Commies in disguise...

2006-12-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

I went to the Lao National Museum in Vientiane yesterday. It was full of information on the glorious revolutionary commmunist resistance to the American capitalist lackey imperialist running dogs. I dont know who this guy is as few of the signs were in English but I believe he is going to be playing a part in the new Transformers movie coming out soon.

Did anyone else go floating down the Nam Song river yesterday with a Lao Beer in hand listening to the Dresden Dolls on their MP3 player?

2006-12-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

I did.

Aha ha ha ha ha!

Just to make everyone envious...

2006-12-18T21:23:00.000-08:00

This is the view from the porch of my two pound a night hut...and here is me sitting on said porch. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, life doesnt suck.

Arent these the most adorable slippers?

2006-12-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

A man goes around wearing slippers like these, you just know he's not afraid of anything.

Big cave. Biiiiiig cave

2006-12-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

This is Tham Phu Kham cave. The canopy above the bronze Buddha is about twice the height of a man in order to give you some sense of scale. Basically it was flipping huge.
At the base of the cliff you climb up to get there there is a stream you can swim in and a bar selling beer and food which was all good but unfortunately there was a sound system strapped to a tree blaring out crap Western music (Westlife when I arrived). Vang Vieng is like that. Really small, surrounded by stunning scenery but because of the high number of backpackers that come through on account of all the outdoor adventure activities in the area also full of TV bars with Friends and The Simpsons playing in a loop, and crappy blockbusters playing in all the restaurants (in the restaurants I tells ye!), and of course tons of traditional Lao pizza joints.
Hey ho.

I find Buddha much more approachable when he's lying down

2006-12-16T22:17:00.000-08:00

This was taken at Phu Si, a temple on a hill in the middle of Luang Prabang that has great views over the town and surrounding countryside. I know that many of you will have been dismayed by the lack of any World War 2 references in this blog so far so the other picture is one of me with the casing for a machine gun which was mounted, rather deliciously, in the aformentioned temple. Unfortunately the gun was removed some time ago so I wasnt able to draw down a blistering bead of fire onto the town, and any noisy Australians who happened to be there.
Oh yeah, did I mention I bought and smoked some opium when I was in Lunag Prabang? Well, the guy said it was opium. It could have been hash for all I know. I dont really know what opium is supposed to look like. It didnt do much but then I was quite drunk at the time.

Dont you think this guy looks like me?

2006-12-16T22:15:00.000-08:00

What do you reckon?

Lao is excellent

2006-12-16T21:49:00.000-08:00

Well the bus journey passed without incident. I took enough Imodium to block up a small elephant or medium sized German and made it through okay.
I arrived in Vang Vieng and had the get-there-in-the-dark-get-to-a-guesthouse-crash-out-and-then-wake-up-and-go-fucking-hell-when-you-see-the-scenery-you-couldnt-see-the-night-before moment that seems customary for Lao. Unlike Thailand, or what I saw of Thailand anyway, Lao conforms absolutely to the idea I had in my head as to what Southeast Asia should look and be like.
Just to recap - I crossed into Lao at Huay Xai, stayed there one night and got on a slowboat down the Mekong River the next morning. Stayed overnight at a one-horse town called Pak Beng and then had another day on the boat getting to Luang Prabang that evening. Luang Prabang was beautiful with fantastic river views wherever you looked. Took it easy there for a few days, got terrible nightmarish diorrhoea as detailed previously(ventured out at one point to get some antibiotics and nearly passed out by the roadside. My vision was blurry, everything was blindingly bright, I was pouring sweat but made it back to the guesthouse bathroom on time, though it was a photo finish. Not something you would actually want to take a photo of I guess. I'm just saying it was close) and then came here to Vang Vieng.
I walked 7km out of town to a big Buddha cave the day before yesterday and went kayaking yesterday. Felt a bit stiff today so have just had a Swedish massage and am subsequently very relaxed, as well as being all shiny and smelling of petunia oil.
I shall go tubing tomorrow. God, it's a hard life. Tee hee.

Wish me luck

2006-12-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

I've just taken some Imodium tablets and am about to take a six hour bus journey from Luang Prabang to Vang Vieng so keep your fingers crossed.
Further bulletins as events warrant.

Oh God...I've got the squits

2006-12-13T02:52:00.000-08:00

Well it had to happen at some time, but why did it have to happen when I'm in a guesthouse with skanky shared toilets?
I've spent the last hour coughing up blood and soiling myself (they're never going to let me back into this internet cafe).
No but seriously...it's probably Amoebic Dysentery or Dengue Fever. I doubt I shall survive the night so I'll say goodbye now.
On a unrelated note...if that fucking cockerel outside my window doesnt fucking shut up I'm going to go out and staple it's bastard fucking beak shut. The same goes for that arse-biscuit of a cat, mewing it's head off all night. Why cant it go and starve to death somewhere else? Maybe if I could grab the cat by the tail I could use it to beat the rooster to death with. Two birds with one stone so to speak.

Get your motor running.

2006-12-07T04:42:00.000-08:00

I rented a scooter yesterday which was great fun. Considering I haven't driven one in about twelve years I think I did pretty well. I only nearly skidded off the road once and only got flagged down by a Thai policeman once after going the wrong way down a one-way street. Fortunately he let the whole thing go as he couldn't speak English and I couldn't speak Thai etc.
I drove out into the country which was good as the roads were all long and curvy and almost completely empty. I don't know how fast the bike went as the speedometer was broken but it seemed pretty fast to me. I felt like Arnold Schwarzenneger in Terminator 2. Only on a moped. And in Thailand not America. And not Austrian. Or particularly well built.

Ho hum...I'm a bit bored. I don't have any money left for Thailand and am just waiting till tomorrow when I am heading into Lao. I'm going to catch a slow-boat down the Mekong to Muang Phuang (or it's something like that). Lao is supposed to be a lot cheaper than Thailand and because of the whole colonial French thing decent wine is fairly readily available! I'm getting bored of lager.

I cant seem to upload photos at the moment. Shame as I had a nice one of the King of Thailand where he looks like a cross between Salman Rushdie and Nosferatu.

Umm..guess I'll go and eat now.

One nation under Cod..or else.

2006-12-06T00:17:00.000-08:00

I've noticed, after going to various museums and cultural centres around Thailand that there isnt really a free media. The king is loved but it is hard to say if it's a case of 'love the king or else'. In the museums there will always be a positive spin on the end of all information posts. i.e. So-and-so, the ruler of the Eastern province came to power during a terrible famine when thousands of peasants starved to death. But, so-and-so is to be commended for opening the palace's grain supplies in an attempt to blah, blah. In one display detailing the kings who had ruled over the Chiang Mai area any good thing they did was listed. "King Philip of Lanna the Third set up schools, funded monasteries, helped pregnant transexual agrophobics improve their back-hand on the tennis court etc". but if all they did was go to war with someone and generally made a hash of things it just says, "King Bob went to war with the custard-cream biscuit tribe, now lets say no more about it shall we?"
It's a bit strange. If there was some complete shit-bag in Thailand's history you're not going to find out much about him here.
I was reading a Thai published magazine (presumably published for visitors as it was in English) and the editor was bemoaning this biasis and praising European notions of full disclosure saying that the Thai history taught in schools cuts off 100 years before the current date. How weird is that? That means it will be 2106 before Thai kids learn in school about the recent coup in Bangkok.

King of Thailand? I've shit better monarchs than that.

2006-12-05T04:06:00.000-08:00

It's the King of Thailand's birthday today. Whilst I have nothing particularly against the man (we've never met) the constant idolising of one of the world's richest men by some of the world's poorest people is starting to grate so please just let me say...the King of Thailand is a wanker! He's a tit-bag! A complete arse-biscuit! A fuck-knuckle! A bilious small minded little screamer of a twat! A right Royal...etc.etc.
You get the general idea.

Phoebe Cates?

2006-12-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

I was in a restaurant in Chiang Mai and on one wall there were lots of pictures of Elvis. On the other wall, along with a few pieces of Thai art, was a big framed photograph of Phoebe Cates who I'm sure everyone remembers as the girl from Gremlins.
What's that all about?

I trek..therefore I get annoyed by Australians

2006-12-04T02:35:00.000-08:00

I have just arrived in Chang Rai. My Thai money and visa are running out so I am looking forward to getting to Lao in about four days. Chang Rai is about one hour from the border. Before Chang Rai I was in Chang Mai which was very nice. More laidback than Bangkok and much smaller so it was easier to get around. I stayed in a nice guesthouse that organizes treks (mind you, just about every guesthouse here arranges treks) and signed up for a three day one. We took a four hour songthaew (basically a truck with benches in the back..hard benches..and poor suspension) ride to Wieng Chang which is just on the border with Burma and then trekked for about four hours to Huai Ya Sai village where the Lahu tribespeople live. We stayed there overnight (in bed by 8.30pm. Once the sun goes down there's not a lot else to do as there are no lights, T.V., internet cafe or brothels there to entertain you) and then trekked for another four hours to the Mae Tang river. We then hopped on a bamboo raft and took a two hour journey downriver. That was really fun. With the jungle looming over you on either side you could imagine you were in a H.Rider Haggard story. We passed some people fishing and they yelled out to our guides that they had lost a net full of fish so there would be a number of dead or half dead fish floating down the river somewhere and to keep our eyes open. Waste not, want not and all that. So for the next half an hour whenever a fish was spotted one of the guides kept leaping off the raft and into the river in a monkey-like fashion and grabbing them (I say monkey-like because of the agility..in no way am I drawing comparisons between Asian folk and monkeys. Oh no siree). One of the other people in the group was feeling ill, either from some of the food we had been given or from the motion of the raft, and wherever she looked there were gaping mouthed bug-eyed fish staring at her which I cant imagine helped much.
The only downside of the trip was the fact that there were other people on it. One guy called Nicholas was Argentinean and he was okay, just a bit young and silly sometimes. I know! Lets rock the raft! That'll be fun and terribly clever!
The other two were a couple who were unfortunately Australian. I don't mean it was unfortunate that they were Australian. I mean they were the unfortunate type of Australian, not the okay type. Some Australians can be okay whereas almost all Americans are unfortunate. Actually to be fair the girl, Jess, was not too bad but Jean-Paul (strange name for a Ozzy I know..he entirely lacked the Gaelic style and sophistication of his moniker) was a right tit. Really dumb. Having a conversation involving him was like talking on the phone when there was a delay in the signal. It would start, go on for a minute or two and then he would suddenly switch on as if he'd only just tuned in and you would have to backtrack over what had already been said in order to bring him up to speed. He kept shouting too.
It wasn't so bad when we were on the trek as it was only us and the guides but when we got back to Chang Mai they insisted we continued to spent time together as if we had been through a profound bonding experience. Now, spending three days in close proximity with people is just about enough for me and I was looking for some solitude to restore my equilibrium but for form's sake I went along with and it was when we were out in the town that his, and to a lesser extent the other's tit-esqueness really came into effect. For a start he refused to eat Thai food so we had to go somewhere where he could get a burger or some chops. Not a problem as loads of places do Thai and Western but that's not the point. The way they treated the waiting staff left a lot to be desired and they were just generally loudly critical of people and things which I found really embarrassing. When the others were playing pool I started a conversation with Jean-Paul about films to try and find some common ground only to discover his favorite actor was Vin Diesel on account of his sterling work in such modern classics as The Fast and the Furious and XXX.
To top it all off in an unbelievable fashion Jess read the blurb on the back of a book I was reading and was criticizing it, saying it looked really corny. That was annoying in itself as it was The Star of the Sea by Joseph O' Connor and it was really good but then after Nicholas said in a really pretentious way that he grew out of fiction when he was a teenager and now only read true stuff (which made me want to smash him round the head with a bottle of Chang beer) she said, in all seriousness, "Remind me..'fiction' means?" to which Nicholas replied "Something that's made up" and to which I replied silently to myself "Jesus....Jesus fucking Christ".
Still, managed to get away from them and am now enjoying some hard earned time to myself in Chang Rai. I feel better for having got all that off my chest. Thanks.

And finally...

2006-11-28T01:55:00.000-08:00

Here's some kind of old, peeling, leprous and disturbingly life-like Buddha. Isnt religion fun?

Look, it's the Fairy Washing Up Liquid Buddha

2006-11-28T01:52:00.000-08:00

Look, it's the Milky Bar Buddha

2006-11-28T01:48:00.000-08:00

Look, here's another Buddha

2006-11-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

2006-11-27T06:18:00.000-08:00

Found this really funny. I read about this statue in the guide book and had to make a special trip just to see it because if I saw one more serene smiling depiction of Buddha I was going to grab the nearest fire extinguisher and smash his smiling serene face in. This is at Wat Umong, just outside Chang Mai, and it shows Buddha fasting. Smug git still looks annoyingly serene though doesnt he? Incidentally, at Wat Umong I noticed I had been wearing my shorts the wrong way round all day so quickly stripped off in the monastery grounds. Fortunately I was not spotted and therefore did not suffer the wrath of any enraged kung fu monks.
Changed my plans since the last post back to my original plan of getting to Chiang Mai and exploring the North of the country from there. It's much nicer here than in Bangkok, cooler too and the rooms are better value.
Just signed up for a three day trek which will include rafting (Deliverance), caving (The Descent), jungle trekking (Rambo/Tears of the Sun/Apocalypse Now etc.), and elephant-riding (uuum...Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?).
Must buy a hat (can I find a stylish cream-coloured trilby anywhere? Can I hell) and a sarong tomorrow.

Australians can be pretty loud too.

2006-11-25T00:49:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the distances in America and Australia. In their home countries they are all so far away from each other that they have to yell. Then they travel and dont realise they could actually shut the fuck up a bit and still be heard.
Anyway...I've left Bangkok. From now on any day before a travel day will be an alcohol free day. Felt terrible, and it was a modern, air-conditioned train too with a toilet that only made you want to cut your head off a little bit at the thought of using it.
I am currently in New Sukhothai which is a short ride from Old Sukhothai (see what they did there?). Old Sukhothai is the sight of some important ruins and temples. Trouble is, "important" doesnt always translate into "interesting". That pile of rubble you're looking at may be sacred to Thai folk but it means flip all to anyone else. This place was recommended to me buy a couple of people but apart from the two places I have posted photos of its not really up to much. Anyway, from here I should be able to move on to Mae Sot on the Burmese border and from there up country to the hillside trekky areas. I demand some jungle! And dinosuars...lots of dinosaurs.

Aaaargh!!! Just saw my first mosquito!! I'm gonna' die!!

AHA!!!!

2006-11-23T03:32:00.000-08:00

On a number of occasions recently I have drunk a lot of beer and got really arse-holed, to the point of losing the end of the evening (not a good idea if you are in strange and hostile territory). Was just sitting outside a bar near my hostel (45 Baht for a large Chang beer, 100 Baht is about 75p) and noticed that Chang beer is 6.4%. That may explain it. Thought I was just out of practice.
My visas have come! I get out of Bangkok tomorrow! Woo Hoo!

Why are Americans so fucking loud?

2006-11-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

Not much to add to that really.

Is Royal sweat holy?

2006-11-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, Bhumibol Adulyadej the Great is king of Thailand and is almost universally adored. He is regarded as semi-divine by some and flat-out divine by others. In fact, making disparaging comments about him or his relatives is not only frowned upon, it's actually illegal (he's also one of the richest men in the world with 7 billion or there-abouts in his bank account).
Anyway, there are images of him everywhere. Photos in every guest house and tuk-tuk, huge billboards, shrines at the side of the road etc. Here is a photo I noticed around a few times. You cant see it that clearly but he is sweating his head off and you can see the magnificently backlit bead of sweat hanging off his nose. I cant believe anyone actually said to themselves, "Oh yeah, that's a flattering picture of our beloved Monarch. Let's use that one." Maybe someone used it as a joke and no-one wanted to say anything because he's regarded as so great and beneficent that everything about him is divine whatever it is.
That kind of got me to thinking, does that extend to stuff he excretes? Are his bodily fluids or sweat holier than that of mere mortals? I guess it must be if it comes from him but it can't remain so once it's left his body otherwise all his...shall we say...leavings would have to be gathered up and disposed of in a manner befitting his status. Is it a time thing or a distance thing or both? How long would it have to be outside the royal personage or how far from him would it have to be before it stopped being sacred and reverted to just regular...you know....faecal matter and spit?
Something to think about.

Queen's Gallery

2006-11-21T05:20:00.000-08:00

Hello. Went to the Queen's Gallery today. Had to cross a six lane road to get there. The trick would seem to be get a bunch of Thai people in between you and the direction the traffic is coming and cross when they do as many of the motorists seem to regard the traffic light signals as guidelines rather than commands. Anyway, I was walking around this very quiet, very modern, VERY deserted gallery looking at these peculiar works of art and one of the T.V. installations was using some of the music from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. Ooooh, nice choice.
Got chatting to a girl a few nights back and we had a (fairly) good natured drunken argument about religion. I said I was an Ontological Pragmatist and she told me I was just an Agnostic who was hedging his bets. What does she know? She had an aversion to sea-food and hated anything with tentacles, labelling them spooky and unnatural so my entirely reasonable and completely healthy fondness for our suckered brethren struck her as most peculiar. Told her about Geoff. She was baffled at best.
Drew a picture of Geoff in the comments book in the gallery. Tee Hee. And don't give me that look, I wrote a nice comment too. About the three Buddha piece actually. It's kind of like Buddha meets Terminator 2.

Man, that is one biiiig Buddha

2006-11-19T04:24:00.000-08:00

Managed to find my way to the National Museum today which was okay. The trouble is that it was mainly full of historical stuff about the Thai royal family (who they revere) and lots and lots of depictions of Buddha (who they also revere, but in a sliiightly different way). Now I have no interest in my own royal family let alone anyone else's and really, when you've seen one depiction of Buddha standing, sitting or kneeling in prayer you've seen them all. Would it kill them to shake it up a bit? Here's a statue of Buddha praying, here's one of him sitting cross-legged, here he is on a motorbike, now he's performing an appendectomy on a pole-cat, and here he's depicted having a spud-gun fight with some of the Ray Harryhausen skeletons from Jason and the Argonauts. You get what I'm saying?
After that I went to Wat Pho which is the oldest temple in the city. It was absurdly ornate. Who would have thought that Buddhists could be so ostentatious? I wasn't going to go in to see the famous giant reclining Buddha for the reasons stated above plus it was really crowded in there (it's in a chapel and you cant see it from the outside) but then I thought, it is one of the sights of the city, if not the country and I was glad I did. Not only was he reclining (which made a change) but he was fucking MASSIVE! Photos don't really do the whole thing justice.
The Wat is a centre for traditional medicine and Thai massages were available there. Actually you can get them all over the city but I thought I would go with a place that had more of a stamp of authenticity to it rather than just let some random stranger at the side of the road start yanking my head about. It was quite peculiar lying on a mat between two other people while a small but surprisingly strong Thai girl crushed you body into odd shapes but not entirely unpleasant. I did feel more relaxed afterwards but that only lasted until I left the grounds and walked a hundred yards down the teeming city streets.
After that I strolled down to a pier docking point and caught a river bus back to the area I'm staying in. I have moved on from the place that boasted an occasional piano rendition of a well-known British soap-opera as well as what sounded like an old woman hacking her lungs up at 7am to a place that is even cheaper. Now have the joy of shared shower/bathrooms and a ceiling fan that has no setting between off and a speed that makes it sound like there is a fleet of Huey gunships hovering two feet above the bed. Hope I dont stand up on the bed in my sleep and decapitate myself.
Will switch to a more expensive place for the last couple of nights here in order to wash some clothes, recharge my batteries and recharge some of my batteries.
Blimey, nearly eight o'clock, see ya'.

Good God it is hot

2006-11-18T02:56:00.000-08:00

The guest house I'm in has a fan but no air-conditioning and the fan tends to just move the hot air around a bit as opposed to cooling it in some fashion. I have to wait until Thursday until my visas for Lao and Vietnam are ready (Bangkok is the easiest place to get them, you just let a travel company do all the work rather than trek around to embassy's yourself) so I'm stuck here until then. I will be glad to get out of this city as it is so full-on and sticky. Hopefully moving up country it will be cooler or at least there will be outdoors areas where you can sit in the shade and read. Here you either sit in your room which is a bit boring or sit on a street corner where you immediately get accosted by vendors trying to sell you bracelets and tuk-tuk rides and inexplicably giant zippo lighters about 10 inches tall. Not sure why you would want one unless you have some colossal cigarettes to go with it.
Had a pizza today. Felt very guilty, only been here a week and already felt compelled to eat some comfort scoff. Still, everyone knows Thai food is rubbish.

Name's Craig, Daniel Craig

2006-11-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

Well it took about half an hours taxi ride to get there but that was the biggest, swishest, fanciest cinema I've ever been in. Also the loudest, I think I have concussion from the gunshots. All in all I give Casino Royale a big thumbs up. Daniel Craig is really good in it, who'd of thought a game of cards could be so tense. He was surprisingly good at the one liners as well as the tough stuff, though its very dryly delivered, none of the raised eye-brow stuff from the Roger Moore era. Felt a bit rough after the film finished so had an early night with a kebab, bottle of tiger beer and The Man With The Golden Gun on T.V. (they're showing all the Bond films in sequence this week).
Oh yeah...um...also went to a temple...saw Buddha...had a spiritual awakening.
But cant be bothered to relate that right now.

Got chatting to a rich, brash American the night before last who turned out to be Canadian so that wasnt so bad. But then I realised that as far as everyone who couldnt tell from his accent that he was Canadian was concerned he was a loud brash American...who I was being seen with. I made my excused and left, particularly after his friend showed up who had a suspiciously Uncle Monty-esque air to him.
Have moved to a cheaper guest-house where a girl I assume to be the daughter of the landlady was practising the Eastenders theme-tune on her piano. I hope she doesnt stay up too late.

A learning curve. A steep learning curve

2006-11-15T01:52:00.000-08:00

Got chatting last night to a girl who's name I cant remember. She was very nice and I have a photo of her smoking my pipe (some moisturizer spilt in my pack and got on the black plastic stem and its gone GREEN. What the hell is it doing to our skin?)
Anyway, I learnt a valuable lesson. She was amazingly grateful when I saw her sitting on her own and asked if she wanted company. This lifts a significant amount of strain from the whole talking-to-strangers thing. Eveyone here wants company, even the beautiful get-the-fuck-away-from-me-you-strange-man-with-a-disturbingly-encyclopedic-knowledge-of-herr-Hitler ones.
Drunkenly arranged to meet up again today but think I insisted on an early start which I then missed on account of being hung-over (in this heat this is not pretty). Ah well.
Managed to drag my ass out at about 3pm and made my way to the Bangkok National Gallery. Very nice, some interesting contemporary art which I have some nice photos of, though I will nail my colours to the mast and say that contemporary Thai art is really, really boring.
Will have to decamp to a cheaper hotel tomorrow and give serious thought to moving up country soon. Unless my sums are wrong I've spent about 250 pounds so far and I haven't even had anyone love me long time yet.
You know, this is relevant of absolutely nothing but three people (taxi driver from the airport/one handed girl and friend/last night's girl) have said I look very very young for my age and have been surprised that someone of my tender years is making this lengthy spiritual and emotional journey in search of string.
No joy on that front.
Haven't found a cinema yet either.
This trip is shaping up to be a real bust.